Tax Benefits Are Not a Reward for F*cking

So somebody had the audacity — and I do mean the audacity — to say that lavender marriages shouldn't qualify for tax benefits.

Sir. Who do you think you are?

Let me make sure I'm hearing you right. You think the government hands out tax breaks as some kind of gold star for being sexually attracted to your spouse? Like a marriage license is really just a notarized "we do it" certificate? Like the IRS is checking bedrooms before they approve your joint filing?

Because if that's the bar, I've got some real bad news for about half the "traditional" marriages out there.

Here's what marriage actually is in the eyes of the law. It's a legal partnership. A financial commitment. It's two people saying: we are building a life together. We're sharing assets, raising families, making medical decisions, co-signing on a future.

Nowhere in that contract does it say "must maintain active sex life to qualify for the standard deduction."

But here comes this guy on the internet appointing himself the bedroom auditor of American marriages, deciding which ones are real enough to deserve a tax break.

Let me tell you what my marriage actually looks like. Brandi and I are partners. We co-parent an incredible 14-year-old daughter. We run a household. We show up for each other every single day with more intention and honesty than most couples will ever manage.

And yeah — for the record? We have had sex. We have a child together. So even by your own broken little metric, we still qualify.

Congratulations. You played yourself.

The Part That Actually Bothers Me

The validity of our marriage doesn't hinge on what happens in our bedroom. It never did. Not for us, and not for the millions of other couples whose partnerships don't fit inside your narrow little box.

But honestly, that's what bothers me most. We shouldn't have to prove any of that to anyone. The fact that we had sex — or didn't — or have a kid — or don't — is completely irrelevant to whether our marriage is real.

It's real because we decided it's real. We built it with our own hands, on our own terms.

What We Should Actually Be Rewarding

If anything, the government should be rewarding couples for the sheer act of showing up intentionally. For choosing partnership over pretense. For building something that actually works instead of something that just looks right at Thanksgiving dinner.

And honestly? If we're really keeping it real? Maybe they should be giving tax breaks to people who aren't procreating. The planet could use the breather.

But go ahead. Keep gatekeeping marriage from your couch. Keep telling committed, loving, intentional partnerships that they don't count because they don't match the fantasy in your head.

Meanwhile Brandi and I will be over here. Legally married. Filing taxes together. Co-parenting. Building an empire. Being more married than half the people who think they have the right to judge us.

And doing it authentically.